The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize