She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
