i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
