you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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