woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
