There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
