i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
