My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
