this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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