just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
