Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
it glows. i had to have it.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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