2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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