i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
My legs feel like baby dolphins
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
