wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
