i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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