Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
