dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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