omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize