onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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