o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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