dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
