you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
