its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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