the condom got lost in my hair
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
