frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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