bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
