If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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