Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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