it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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