I'm sorry my penis didn't work
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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