____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
