there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
