She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Randomize
