Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize