wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
