i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
