i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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