Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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