I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
