i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Randomize