airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Randomize
