Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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