i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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