You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
