i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
