If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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