Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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