omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
