i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
