so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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