I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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