woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
