Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
