If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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