I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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