Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I fill condoms, not promises.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
