I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Actions speak louder than pants.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
