I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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