I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
