The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
