My sheets look like a crime scene.
You can't special order awesome
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
